Tuesday, 29 March 2011

sub sandwiches and secret handshakes.

i was at kroger yesterday picking up some peanut butter for a young life club game and i saw a kid being dragged by his mom who was kicking and screaming and crying and i so badly wanted to stop him and say cut it out kid, it only gets harder as you get older. i was actually feeling pretty bummed out about current circumstances, and i longed so badly just to be a kid again where there were no worries and no fears.  lately, i have been consumed by fear and i can't really put my finger on it.  this is such a fun and exciting time of life, but i find myself worrying constantly.  i forget to eat and i have really made it easy for me to isolate myself.  luckily, i have wonderful friends who will pry and make me talk to them. it's just hard though.  to be honest, i feel like the wedding is completely out of my control.  i mean my mom lives so far away and financially i just can't really do much of anything for it.  i just had my dream wedding planned out in my mind and i feel like that just isn't happening. and i constantly worry about money, especially in the next few weeks because i have several financial burdens looming around me.  i just feel like life is rushing by all around me and i can't get a steady grip on the ground.  sometimes i feel like my heart literally hurts.  but then jake comes over, and we talk about real life. and he sweetly reminds me that i am not the only one hurting or worrying.  it's so easy for satan to make us believe that we are completely alone when we're suffering.  and then tonight i started listening to this song:
when i am alone
give me Jesus
give me Jesus, give me Jesus
you can have all this world
just give me Jesus.

i am reminded that there is only One thing worth being concerned with.. ever. Jesus IS Peace.  i am so thankful to have a fiance who the Lord uses as his vocal cords to share His love with me.  its so easy for me to forget that if this wedding isn't perfect, and if i don't have a dollar to my name.. i still have Jesus. i am rich in so many ways.  a lot of times we just need a bold reminder to be put right in front of our faces. i am reminded of love and of TRUE romance and what that really means.  i truly want our marriage to be one that is constantly seeking Christ's heart in everything we do.  even if that means having to suffer, because through our suffering we get to know Him so well. i have been so prayerful that over the next 67 i will truly learn to trust God for His provision in our marriage and His leading in wherever He wants to take us.  I want to make myself available. what is holding you back from truly seeking Jesus?

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